Have you ever wondered why you are who you are? Have you ever wished to be someone else or at least have the qualities of someone else? Do you ever feel ill-equiped to deal with your life? Honestly, I have have many many times. Sometimes I think we don’t even make sense to ourselves.
Personal Realization: For the past few years I have been on journey of …let’s say unsolicited self-discovery. I, certainly, didn’t desire to know myself especially in the light I have seen myself. I have come to see many of my faults with a clarity of a “picture day pimple,” you know the kind. Not a pretty sight. But with the love and acceptance of God, I have also found a great peace with my faults. Through confessions (still on going, as I continue to clear my conscience of the yuck clutter), I have accepted that God has been with me through all my mistakes and finding my voice to ask for forgiveness, He has forgiven me. Now, if only I,too, could forgive myself as He does. I believe that is hard on all of us..because we are hard on ourselves.
On my journey of self-discovery, it became clear to me, one of the reasons I have struggled so, is because I was doing what I could in order not to be the person God made me to be, granted mostly unconsciously. However, in this struggle, I moved further away from God…which in turn is further from happiness & joy.
Who am I . For most of my life, I must confess, I have been a bit of a “goody two shoes” and in so have come across with “a better than thou” attitude. Mind you, first of all I wasn’t doing it as such, secondly, I was really unaware (for the most part) of when I was doing these things. Later, in my life people’s comments made me think of how I was coming across and started to realize that my manner of being was “holding me back”. It was what was keeping me from making and keeping friends, having a boy-friend, being popular, and what made me so different from the rest of the “cool” kids. Once I began to realize this, I began to change (mostly subconsciously) my mannerisms and began to be more like everyone else (to some point) but still never quite fit in, however I did make more friends…etc. I remember, most times feeling kind of “strange” (I can’t really describe it) sort of out of place. I got married, had children, took all the normal (society) paths and made many mistake along the way (confessions) until I allowed God to take more control of my life. Obviously, God should have total control of my life but I have a hard time giving up the reins. I still want to feel like I have some control, yet I know the ultimate goal is to have Him in control of all things. If you have gotten there, please share.
I want to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone I have offended here or in the past. I have truly only been human and if I have somehow offended you, I hope you can forgive me. I especially would like to apologize to my family whom has stood by and tried to accept me as I am. I am sure, even if I haven’t been totally been aware of it I have been hard to live with particularly with my ingrained desire to do things that are right and take a more moral approach to things with my ” better than thou attitude” has reared it’s ugly head but more than anything my apology is for not remaining strong in what and who God made me. God made me as He did and brought into my life each person for a reason and in my strong headed desire to be “normal” I may have let you down. God has total plan for our lives and each detail is carefully planned. The killer for these plans is our “free-will”. If in our free will we would do what God expects of us, each plan would come together beautifully (I like it when a plan comes together) and each of us would be where we needed to be at just the right time. I am sure you have had that experience when you look back and realize WOW, Amazing, Now that I look back I can see how God used ______ to bring this all together.
What I have noticed in my life is that I have changed (in my mind) so subtly and only “giving in” on a few things, here and there yet before I knew it I had become this strange person, so different than the person I had grown up with. I had become this unhappy, depressed, stressed out, frustrated, anxious, and way over emotional mess ( well maybe not that bad…everyday but some…most??!!!). Along time ago, people would describe me as cheery, happy, sweet, caring and now those adjectives were no longer the first thoughts that people had of me. I truly believe, when you walk off your path you loose track and get lost. Being lost can be fun at first but when you finally realize that you are too far away from home it can turn into a frightening , eerie, intimidating experience. Worse finding your way back home can also be a horrendous, lonely, sorrowful, mysterious and demanding adventure. An adventure not many would welcome into their lives. Sometimes staying lost is the easier road and the one most taken.
Where was I going with this? Well the first thought that crossed my mind was just to share with you my “better than thou” attitude as well as a thought that has been in my mind. I was thinking that there is reason why God has made us who we are but we are constantly fighting against the evil that surrounds us. And in this broken world many times things that are for our good are seen as bad and bad is seen as good. We must strive to be who God has made us to be and it is very important that we equip are children to excel at this, for they will be the ones who must stand in the face of evil on a daily basis. We may not understand the gifts that God had provided us with but one thing for sure is that unless we recognize and welcome them our lives will not be as full.
I pray God will touch each and everyone of you with His awesome warmth and forgiving Spirit. In doing so that He may reach your heart and help you to find your way back home and that He take away any fear that resides in your soul.