A loss

I lost a daughter, she was a preemie and struggled hard for the short time she was here.  Today I returned to the support group that had once been my “rock”, where I could go and feel that I was indeed sane. I was not planning on staying,I was only going to run in and say a quick Hi but I could not leave.

I sat there, listening to these couples–women, letting out their griefs and frustrations. Trying to make sense, to understand, to cope, to heal, to forget, or to forgive, I have been there.  I would love to say it gets easier but it really doesn’t. Sorry for the bluntness but even when you do understand, cope, or forgive, you still have an emptiness inside that nothing will ever take away. You are still missing a huge part of you.  No one but those who have been there will understand.

When the pain was new, I very much disliked God–for awhile anyway, I didn’t understand–How–Why–Why Me–Why Her–What–What did I do wrong???? One day, standing in church and looking up at the crucifix–I understood. The pain I was feeling was not new, the questions I asked– had been asked before. I realized that Our Blessed Mother, too had felt this hurt, this pain, asked these questions. The difference is that she endured– for us.  Did I have a right to feel betrayed or had I been the betrayer?  I felt shame and respect.

Please Blessed Mother be with all moms who have experience a loss, hold them in your arms, tell them you understand as you brush their hair from their face. Give them hope that a small life will be given to them in God’s time. Help them to be patient in their desires for a family. Love them as only you can.


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